A love letter

Warning: sappiness and gooey love within. You have been warned. Read at your own peril.

I am in love. I never thought I would be. I hoped for love. I dreamt of love. I thought I knew what it would be like. I thought I knew what he would be like. I thought I knew what it would feel like. I was so wrong. It's even better than I thought it could be.

When I was younger, I thought that the man I would spend my life with would be my other half. He would be my knight in shining armor. He would sweep in on a white horse and solve all my problems and we would live happily ever after and life would be complete once he was in my life. Now that I'm older, I know that love doesn't solve your problems, but having someone who loves you makes your problems easier to bear.

The man I love brings me joy. He makes me stronger. He makes me laugh. He understands me. He has seen me at my best and my worst. He's my best friend. He's the first person I want to talk to in the morning and the last person I want to talk to at night. He knows me better than anyone else. He sees my weaknesses and doesn't judge me for them, but allows me the room to grow and become a better person.

Babe, I can't give you the world for Christmas. I wish I was rich. I would buy you iPads and mixers and cars and guitars. But I can't. You have been so amazing to me and I want you to know how much I love and appreciate you. I used to hate Christmas. Now I look forward to sharing this season with you. You've turned me into one of those sappy, lovey, gross, happy people! I love you. Merry Christmas.

Stupid moves

You guys. I was just a total idiot. And I need to tell you all about it. I just called him. It was awful. I am an idiot and deserve your mocking in the comments.

As you know (if you've been reading this), Steve and I are not currently speaking. His choice. As the caring person that I am, I was concerned after not hearing from him in over a week. So I texted him. No response. So I called him. He answered after the third try. It wasn't pleasant. So to recap: I still don't know what his issues are. He still doesn't want me to know what is bothering him. I am super frustrated. And sad. And drinking some Three Buck Chuck.

I am fully aware that I should not have called. I was silently berating myself the whole time. But that doesn't change the fact that I miss him more than I can bear.

I'm going to go cry over some ice cream now.

Boy troubles

I just watched The Dilemma and it hit a little too close to home. The same problems that Steve and I have were displayed. I think the Jennifer Connelly character, Beth, actually said some things that I've said.
Our big problem has been communication. I've been feeling in the dark about a lot of things, and he doesn't think it's necessary to bring me into it, as his problems are just that. His.
In the movie, Vince Vaughn's character, Ronny, has been keeping a secret about his best friend to himself, not talking to his girlfriend Beth about it. His explanation is that it's his problem, and he has to fix it. Beth says to Ronny that he isn't "fixing anything, just breaking more things... If you don't let me in, how do I know how to fix it?" I teared up at that line. It's exactly where I am today. Frustrated that I don't know how to help him. Sad that he doesn't want my help. Furious because he left me alone. Confused because I have no idea what is going on. Terrified of losing him.
Yes I know that I'm reading a lot into a Vince Vaughn comedy, but I'm not in a happy place today. It's been a week since I've seen him.

Insomnia

I've been unable to sleep unaided for a while. It's pretty annoying. I've forgotten how to fall asleep. I lay there and my mind just keeps going. And now my usual sleep aids are failing me. I was awake until after 4am last night. The massive headache that developed around 11pm last night may have exacerbated the situation. As I currently am on some serious pain killers for my headaches, I didn't want to take anything more than I already took. It's not cool when Vicodin no longer has any effect.

I am about to attempt sleeping now. I'm trying to clear my mind, but the events of this past week just keep playing in my head. As noted in my first post, I am not currently speaking to the man I love. This is not my choice. I am frustrated and sad.

Going to brush my teeth now. Wish me luck.