Thankful 2012

It's that time of year again. Time to gorge myself on turkey, mashed potatoes, mac and cheese, and pumpkin. Oh yeah. And reflect on what I'm thankful for. As I sit here waiting for Steve to get ready to head over to my sister's house, I think about the long, tough year it's been and all that I have to be thankful for.

I'm thankful for the return of Excedrin Migraine.

I'm thankful for a healthy family.

I'm thankful for internet cats. Especially Grumpy Cat.

I'm thankful for coworkers who embrace and encourage my Internet cat addiction.

I'm thankful for stretchy pants which allow me to ignore the fact that changes in my meds have caused me to gain ungodly amounts of weight in the last few months.

I'm thankful for best friends who still take me on lunchtime shopping trips with them, despite the fact that we no longer physically take lunch together.

I'm thankful that I will not be alone this holiday season, for the third time in a row.

I'm thankful for the man who is keeping me sane and happy this holiday season.

I'm thankful that said man understands my quirks and loves me in spite of them.

I'm thankful for my fluffy cat who kept me warm through the 11 days I was without power or heat after Hurricane Sandy.

I'm thankful for new books.

I'm thankful for headache-free days.


What are you thankful for?

Miss me?

Hey y’all. It’s been a while. I've been a bit busy these last few months, for a change. Haven’t had much time to write.

I’ll catch you up:

I got a job! I’m working as a legal writer/editor. It’s been taking up most of my time.

The rest of my time has been taken up by the massive revamp of my apartment, which (if you know me in person) used to be pretty abysmal. Not terrifying, just chaotic. Well now it’s been Stevified. And it’s pretty awesome. We’re almost done. We just have the bedroom to do and the transformation shall be complete! Details on the renovations to come.

I guess that’s all. The ouchies are still upon me, as usual.

Oh! I had pneumonia! That was fun. I may still have it. I can’t walk up a flight of stairs without wheezing, and now I have an inhaler. Super sexy, I know.

So look for updates soon. I have TONS to talk about. And it’s my favorite time of the year!

My cat has body image issues

Maya is a recovering bulimic*. Around age 4, she used to throw up constantly after she ate. Like, constantly. CONSTANTLY. Poor thing could barely keep her dinner down. She would binge and purge, usually onto or very near my favorite shoes. It was very sad. Her belly was very sensitive, but she was otherwise very healthy. She weighed around 7.4 lbs two years ago at age 4.

Her vet prescribed Pepsid. I gave it to her for a month, but didn't really see a big difference. I ended up switching her food from a regular indoor cat formula to Eukanuba Sensitive Stomach cat food. It worked wonders. It seems she just had a very delicate belly. Her weight zoomed up from 7.2 lbs to 9 lbs at age 6. Maya was officially chunky.

SO FLUFFY!!!

So now I have a fluffy, chunky cat and her weight keeps climbing. I know that the treats I give her for her "workouts" are part of the problem now that she keeps all of her food down, so I did some research and found some natural, low fat kitty treats.

I guess I should explain her workouts.

To get my mostly sedentary kitty moving, I hold up a kitty treat, wait until she sees it, then throw it across the room. My floors are hardwood, so she runs and slides to get it. Then she comes back for more. Sometimes she tries to catch them. It's highly amusing. We play this game daily.

Back to the treats. I ordered Catswell Vitakitty chicken jerky, Wellness Pure Delights chicken and lamb jerky, Thrill Natural Freeze Dried chicken cat treats, and Innova cat treats. All of these treats got excellent reviews, have high protein and low fat content, and hopefully Maya will like them. I spoil my little kitty.

I'll let you know how it goes when they arrive.







*Just to clarify, I don't take eating disorders lightly. I'm aware that bulimia is a serious medical condition. But I am also aware that I have a cat who binges and purges. So laugh, people. Laugh.

Valentine's Day

I don't have to remind you that today is Valentine's Day. For most of my life, I have hated this day. This day was always filled with lovey dovey grossness that reminded me of what I didn't have. Before last year, I had never had someone to love on Valentine's Day. And now? Steve and I celebrated our first Valentine's Day together last year with dinner and a movie. And with that one dinner, most of my cynicism over the day vanished.

I was actually cheerful today. Seeing people with flowers and giant teddy bears actually made me smile. It seems that with the glaze of cynicism removed, I can see this day for what it should be. It's a day for showing the people you love what they mean to you.

I'm not spending today with Steve. Because Valentine's Day is Tuesday, we decided to have date night last night. We had a lovely dinner and watched a movie at home. It was a nice quiet night. This morning when I woke up, I found this on my laptop.

He got me a card!!! He's always been anti-cards, but knowing that he went to a store and chose a card was so sweet!

So I'm alone tonight. I got dinner from Trader Joe's, a salted caramel cupcake from Crumbs, and I'm having a lovely Valentine's night snuggled on the couch with Maya. I'm happy and content and loved. And today was a good day.

Maya needs a Catio

Maya has the boredom. I know this because she attacks the television when I'm watching it because the attention is off of her. She's normally a very well behaved cat, but ever since the television has entered our lives, things have changed.

It all started this Christmas when Steve got me a new TV and a Wii. I always had a TV, but I barely ever used it. Now I have a Wii with streaming Netflix and a new TV stand. And Maya doesn't like this. Now I no longer sit at my desk and let her lay across my arms while I type at my laptop. I sit on the couch and the laptop is on my lap and there is no room for Maya. She does not like this. Not one bit. Maya decided that the television is her mortal enemy. And it needs to be destroyed. 

First wave of attack: kill it with cuteness. Maya thinks that by distracting me with her fluffy butt, I will forget that there is a TV behind her and give her lots of love and num nums.

She's mocking me. You can see it in her eyes. 

This did not work. I attempted to deter her from sitting directly in front of the screen and batting at the screen by setting up a complex trap consisting of a cardboard strip with double sided tape stuck to one side (sort of like a weak glue trap) and bowls with fresh lemons on each side of the screen (lemons are natural cat repellants. I'm not kidding. Look it up.)

I'm watching Blue Planet. That's a shark. 

Maya scoffed at my feeble attempts to deter her and took the high ground.

Creepy cat is creepy.

I was out of ideas, but Maya had an appointment for a checkup, so I asked the vet if he had any suggestions for me on how to stop her from attacking my television. He said he'd never heard of anything like this. Awesome.

He suggested that I put on cartoons or nature shows or anything else very animated for her to watch when I'm not there so she can think that the TV is for her too. I didn't do this. But I did put on Blue Planet while I was there and we watched it together. 

So that brings us to the Catio. Steve and I have been watching Jackson Galaxy's show on Animal Planet and HE says that bored cats need outlets for their inner wild animal. So this weekend, we're going to Ikea and getting stuff to make a catio. That's a Patio for Cats. Or a cat friendly patio. Or something like that. Except I don't have a patio, so we'll probably just get shelves and make Maya a perch so she can look out the window and not attack my electronics. It's worth a shot. I want to keep her happy. She makes me happy. :)

Maya is good for migraines. Apply directly to affected area. 

Daddee-Ma

A year ago today, I was unexpectedly in the driver's seat of my dad's car, driving him, my mom, and my aunt to Long Island to see my grandmother in the hospital. It was unexpected because a) I hate driving to Long Island, b) I had been in Long Island less than a week ago, and c) my grandmother's health had declined very quickly.

We were about a half hour from the hospital and in some awful traffic when I heard a cell phone ring and my mother answered. I heard her say "Oh no. Inna lillahi Wa inna ilaihi Rajioon." My heart stopped. She has just recited the dua you say when you hear that someone has died. My grandmother had died and I had missed seeing her one last time by a half hour. And I had to keep it together because I was on the BQE in heavy traffic with a car full of people, two of whom had just lost their mother.

My father's mother, or Daddee-Ma, as I called her, was my last living grandparent. She lived in Long Island with my father's youngest sister and her two children.

I got a lot from Daddee-Ma. Physically, you could see that I am her granddaughter. I got her round arms. I got her short fingers. At the funeral, I sat next to her sister and was amazed at how similar our hands were.

I'm not sure what I wanted to say. I'm sad today. I regret not seeing her more. I miss her. I think was harder at her funeral because it felt so unexpected. With Ma (my maternal grandmother), I was there for her life, her sickness, her death. With Daddee-Ma, I missed so much. And now it's too late.

2011: Looking back

It's the last day of the year. At midnight tonight, I will be popping open a bottle of champagne with Steve and toasting to 2012. But before that, I thought I'd take a minute to look back on this year.

The past year wasn't an easy one. Financially, it was one of the hardest ones I've faced in a long time. I've been unemployed for just over a year and the job market for editors, writers, and journalists hasn't gotten any better. I believe I've applied to every job out there at least five times each, and I've revamped my resume countless times.

I've also had to deal with a lack of healthcare and the headaches that seem to be mounting in intensity. While I've been able to remain on my preventative prescriptions because of generally affordable generic drugs, what I need is a solution to the ouchies. Solutions require healthcare.

Fortunately, I'm still collecting unemployment. While it is a lot less than I was making, it is enough to keep me housed and fed. And for the rest, I have Steve. I've already gone on and on about how amazing he is and how much he's done for me. This year would have been much harder if it wasn't for him. I'm a lucky lady.

I've talked about the power of positivity in my blog before. It's something I've struggled with, and this year put it to the test. Faced with financial insecurity, constant pain, and an unsure future, there isn't much room for positivity, but I tried. And for the most part, I succeeded. The trick is to focus on the good. It's cheesy, I know. But it's been working.

Want to know what I've got that's good? It's silly, but I'll share.

When I'm sinking, I think about my adorable nieces and how lucky I am that I live so close to them and I can see them whenever I want. I think about how lucky I am that I have a boyfriend who adores and spoils me. I think about how fluffy Maya is and how great it is when she snuggles with me on cold days and becomes my space heater.

I told you it was cheesy. But it's what I've got.

So that was my year. No money, but lots of love. I can't wait for 2012.

Happy New Year!

A love letter

Warning: sappiness and gooey love within. You have been warned. Read at your own peril.

I am in love. I never thought I would be. I hoped for love. I dreamt of love. I thought I knew what it would be like. I thought I knew what he would be like. I thought I knew what it would feel like. I was so wrong. It's even better than I thought it could be.

When I was younger, I thought that the man I would spend my life with would be my other half. He would be my knight in shining armor. He would sweep in on a white horse and solve all my problems and we would live happily ever after and life would be complete once he was in my life. Now that I'm older, I know that love doesn't solve your problems, but having someone who loves you makes your problems easier to bear.

The man I love brings me joy. He makes me stronger. He makes me laugh. He understands me. He has seen me at my best and my worst. He's my best friend. He's the first person I want to talk to in the morning and the last person I want to talk to at night. He knows me better than anyone else. He sees my weaknesses and doesn't judge me for them, but allows me the room to grow and become a better person.

Babe, I can't give you the world for Christmas. I wish I was rich. I would buy you iPads and mixers and cars and guitars. But I can't. You have been so amazing to me and I want you to know how much I love and appreciate you. I used to hate Christmas. Now I look forward to sharing this season with you. You've turned me into one of those sappy, lovey, gross, happy people! I love you. Merry Christmas.

The power of positivity

At my last job, one of my coworkers was an almost impossibly positive person. My work bffs and I referred to her as Sunshine because it seemed as though nothing could get her down. She was a genuinely happy person. If it rained, she would talk about the delight of walking in the rain. If it snowed, she talked about going home and building snowmen. She was the master of looking at the bright side of life. At first, I thought it was an act, or sarcasm, but she was genuinely a positive person. As a sarcastic East coast girl, I did not understand. It made no sense. She's... happy? Like, all the time? She... finds joy in everything? I didn't know people like this existed!

Thinking about her, I realized that I had a lot to learn from her way of thinking. I've struggled with depression for most of my life. I've been medicated. I've been to therapists. But it's my way of thinking that's been my main problem. I realized that I had to change.

When faced with something new, I don't want my first reaction to be negative. It's been hard to retrain my brain. I have mental battles when I want to be mean, but I force myself to be nice. It's been working. Instead of being unwilling to accept a situation, I've made an attempt to find the good in whatever it is I'm faced with. It's reformed my whole outlook.

I have lots of things in my life currently that I can be down about, but I choose to look at what I have to be happy about. Yes, the problems and the crappy stuff will be there even if I ignore them, but I choose to stay positive. And that choice keeps my head above water. I have my bad days, and I do allow myself a good cry every now and then. But after that, I go back to positive thinking. I remain me, just a happier me. Haydia 2.0, if you will.

It's a big change, and it seems to be working. I feel happier. I'll report back on this in a few months.

Loving yourself as is

I recently read an article on Huffington Post about body image and its effect on your love life. It's no secret that I have self esteem and body image issues. I don't find myself attractive. I've never been thin, and having been off certain medications and being mostly sedentary since I've been out of work, I've gained weight. This is one of the reasons I've been avoiding social situations recently. (To anyone who's invitation I've declined lately, my apologies. I'll see you in the winter under a layer of sweaters.)

I know I'm not ugly. I'm just not comfortable with my appearance. I've never been. But I am with someone who thinks I'm beautiful. And that helps. In his eyes, I'm the most beautiful woman in the world. And hearing it from him almost makes me believe it.

So back to that article. It talks about self confidence and how it affects people's perception of you. Now, I have self confidence, just not in my physical appearance. Does that make sense? I have conviction in my thoughts and opinions, but not in how I look in dresses and skinny jeans. Does one enhance the other? Does confidence have to be tied to physical appearance? I do love myself as is, but there is an asterisk next to that. I love my mind. My body, not so much.

Going strong after a whole year

Yesterday was Steve and my first anniversary. We celebrated by him taking a half day off of work and going bowling with me. It was fun! I had a Groupon for 2 hours unlimited bowling (including shoe rental!), but we barely lasted an hour. He kicked my butt. I apparently suck at bowling, but got points for style. (I would only get a strike if I didn't look to see what I hit. Try it! It works!) After bowling, we went to the mall and then Target to kill time before dinner.

We went to one of our favorite restaurants, Go Sushi, for dinner. He had vegetable gyoza and beef negimaki, and I had the sushi special (tuna avocado, shrimp avocado, and to mix things up, the Alaska roll.) I believe I went wrong with the Alaska roll. I totally got food poisoning. I'm currently on my couch in the fetal position. I didn't sleep at all last night and all I've had to eat today is ginger ale and Pepto.

So our anniversary was slightly less than romantic. Thankfully, Steve is the best boyfriend ever and did not complain even though I kept him up all night and he had to be up at 6 am for work while I get to lounge around the house all day. I love that man. Happy Anniversary, Babe!

A day in the life

As I've mentioned before, I'm currently unemployed. This means that I'm super bored most of the time. I would like to walk you through a typical day in the life of an unemployed person:

7:00 am: Maya wakes me up.
7:01 am: Realize that I have nothing to do. Go back to sleep.
10:30 am: Wake up for reals this time.
11:00 am: Breakfast (brunch?). Go online. Chat with Anne (for the rest of the day).
Noon: Check various job sites. Apply to everything. 
1:30 pm: To shower or not to shower? That is the question. (The answer is usually not to shower.)
2:00 pm: Read. Or watch a movie. Or clean something.
3:00 pm: Snack time!
4:00 pm: Craft time! Or more reading time. Or more movie time.
7:00 pm: Steve is home. Talk to him on the phone for a while.
7:30 pm: Dinner!
8:00 pm: Online some more.
9:30 pm: Steve calls for our nightly good night chat.
10:30 pm: Steve goes to bed. I try to sleep but cannot. More reading or online time.
1:00 am: Finally go to bed.

And repeat!

Some days I mix it up and meet Anne for lunch. Or go grocery shopping. But this is about it. I'm super bored.

Boredom breeds creation

Being home all the time is really boring. The novelty of not having to be anywhere has worn off and I really don't have much going on. Cabin fever has set in.

But I have been trying to keep myself busy. I read lots now (ouchies permitting) and have sewing more. I made a stuffed robot for the cutest baby boy I know, and Maya purses for the nieces. I also have a few ideas for stuff I want to make. I'm considering opening an etsy store, but I need to get a working sewing machine first. My crappy one broke making the robot. It died trying to sew felt. How sad is that?

I'm planning a massive redo of my apartment. I bought a bookcase from Target last week (which lived in my trunk until this morning when Steve was awesome enough to stop by before work to carry it in for me) and will FINALLY get my library under control.

I've also been hanging out with the nieces more. They stopped by yesterday morning (waking me up) and watched Monsters, Inc. with me. They also chased Maya around. She's still not fully recovered.

I'm looking forward to the 4th of July holiday. The nieces won't be around, but Steve and I will be hanging out. That's always a good thing. :)

All is fair in love

I haven't written about Steve and me for a while. I have an update on the situation.
We saw each other last weekend and spoke sporadically throughout the week. I think we now understand each other better.
I love him and miss him. He is my everything. My lobster. My other half. But I understand what he needs now. And I will support him and give him the time that he needs because I know that in the end we will be stronger. I'm going to have a little faith.
I went to a memorial for my cousin's grandmother today. I thought of my own grandmothers a lot today. The takeaway message from today was that you should never miss an opportunity to tell the people in your life what they mean to you. It made me miss him immensely and I sent him a text to let him know I was thinking about him. His response was almost instant. And it made me very happy.
Sorry for being cryptic and sappy but it's almost 3 am, I'm feeling all kinds of stuff, and I wanted to tell you all that I'm ok. And that we are ok, and on the path to being awesome. <3

Begging for universal healthcare

Hey everyone. I'm writing to you after three continuous days of agony. I've been mostly in bed since Sunday with massive ouchies of the head. I've tried doubling the dose of Vicodin. Didn't work. Doubling dose of Percoset. Didn't work. Sleeping pills kind of work, except for last night when I was up until 4 am contemplating lobotomies.

I used to be (mostly) in control of my headaches. I would get a really bad one maybe once a month. But the really awful ones that take me completely out of commission for days on end were rare. Now I'm getting them almost daily. The reason? I can't afford the daily medication that I used to take to control it. Why? Because I am unemployed and have no insurance, so a monthly supply of it is over $300, which I don't have, since I'm unemployed. Can you see a pattern yet?

Being without a job sucks, but doubly so if you have a "condition." I looked into getting health insurance as an individual, but the cost was insane for a single person with low income. And because I am a single woman with no kids and am not pregnant, I do not qualify for programs like NJ Family Care or Medicaid. So now I cannot go to my neurologist because I cannot afford it. I get freaked out, thinking that there is something seriously wrong, but I have no way to find out because I CAN'T AFFORD IT. I am 3 years overdue for an MRI to see if there have been any changes to my brain, but there is no way I can get one done now.

There were a couple of nights when the pain was unbearable, and under different circumstances, I would have gone to the ER. But I can't go because that would be one more bill. So I sucked it up and prayed for the pain to end.

There are other medications I take that I can afford because they are included on Target's and Walgreen's prescription plan, which cost around $4 for a month's supply. But these medications are pain killers, which are addictive, have really uncool side effects, and mostly don't work for me. The one I need to actually stop these headaches isn't covered.

I wrote about my interview last week. I didn't mention that after I got home, I was in agony for about a day and a half after. This all SUCKS. My life has to stop because of my uncontrollable brain.

Sorry for today's rant, but I'm frustrated and still in pain, three days later. It's an awful place to be in, terrified of getting sick. And I know I'm not alone in this.

Wardrobe issues

Sorry for my absence, loyal readers. I had another life killer headache. Three days of misery! Fun times.

During my absence, I went into Manhattan for a job interview. Here's what happened.

I prepared all weekend. I laid out my outfit, bought new shoes, packed and repacked my purse, and gathered together my writing samples and resume. I was ready.
Day of the interview, I got dressed, then realized that my shoes were ridiculously uncomfortable, so I tossed them in a bag and put on flats. I wore my ModCloth River Boat Tour dress, with a shrug over it, and my patent leather Blowfish flats.

Then I drove to my parent's house in Elizabeth. My dad offered to drop me off at the train so I parked at their house to save on parking. My dad was adorable. He kept asking me if I was prepared and was I nervous. I was. And I said so. :)

So I'm on the train. And my mind starts working overtime. I get all panicky. "Is my dress appropriate?" "I think it's too short." "It's too wintery." "I look ridiculous." "I can't believe I wore this." "They won't hire me! I have no fashion sense!!!" and so on and so on. By the time I get off in Penn Station, I have convinced myself that I look horrible and need to change.

The sales girls helped me choose.
They were awesome.

So what do I do? I run into H&M. And while in H&M I remember that nothing in H&M fits me right, so I leave and go to Old Navy. I grab a skirt and shirt, pay, and change in the dressing room. I am now wearing this:

I had luckily brought the tote for my shoes, so I stuffed the ModCloth dress in there. I'm aware that I have issues.

So I take the subway to SoHo and arrive about 15 minutes early. I hang out in front of the building for about 5 minutes because I don't want to be too early, then go in. I change my shoes in the elevator.

I have my interview, and I think it went well. I really really hope it went well. It's definitely a position I can see myself doing well in.

I change my shoes again in the elevator.

And then I met up with my cousin and we got Americanized Dosa for lunch.

After Americanized Dosa, we go to UniQlo. I have beef with UniQlo. My cousin goes in and is looking for jeans. He is super hipster skinny, so we go to the women's department. He finds skinny lady jeans and purchases. While he is in the dressing room, I look around. Now, I know that I'm not a skinny girl. The skirt I got at Old Navy was a size large. I'm ok with my curves. I've come to terms with the fact that I will never look right in certain outfits. Some things just aren't meant to be worn by a person shaped like me. That said, I was looking around UniQlo and couldn't find anything over a size medium. There was maybe two size larges in the whole store. And these weren't normal size larges. I think their size large could possibly fit my 7 year old niece. Maybe. And only because she's really skinny. The shelves were packed with extra smalls. Seriously. I saw a girl working there who wasn't a toothpick, and wondered if she was ever able to take advantage of her employee discount. It didn't look like it.

So I left UniQlo feeling a bit down that all my clothes come from Old Navy and Target. But that's ok. The Target dress I'm wearing today cost less than a T-shirt at UniQlo. Win!

I got back to Penn Station and went back to Elizabeth. And was picked up by a very confused father. "Weren't you wearing black when I dropped you off?" "Long story, dad."

Boy troubles

I just watched The Dilemma and it hit a little too close to home. The same problems that Steve and I have were displayed. I think the Jennifer Connelly character, Beth, actually said some things that I've said.
Our big problem has been communication. I've been feeling in the dark about a lot of things, and he doesn't think it's necessary to bring me into it, as his problems are just that. His.
In the movie, Vince Vaughn's character, Ronny, has been keeping a secret about his best friend to himself, not talking to his girlfriend Beth about it. His explanation is that it's his problem, and he has to fix it. Beth says to Ronny that he isn't "fixing anything, just breaking more things... If you don't let me in, how do I know how to fix it?" I teared up at that line. It's exactly where I am today. Frustrated that I don't know how to help him. Sad that he doesn't want my help. Furious because he left me alone. Confused because I have no idea what is going on. Terrified of losing him.
Yes I know that I'm reading a lot into a Vince Vaughn comedy, but I'm not in a happy place today. It's been a week since I've seen him.

Insomnia

I've been unable to sleep unaided for a while. It's pretty annoying. I've forgotten how to fall asleep. I lay there and my mind just keeps going. And now my usual sleep aids are failing me. I was awake until after 4am last night. The massive headache that developed around 11pm last night may have exacerbated the situation. As I currently am on some serious pain killers for my headaches, I didn't want to take anything more than I already took. It's not cool when Vicodin no longer has any effect.

I am about to attempt sleeping now. I'm trying to clear my mind, but the events of this past week just keep playing in my head. As noted in my first post, I am not currently speaking to the man I love. This is not my choice. I am frustrated and sad.

Going to brush my teeth now. Wish me luck.

Life in flux

Hi. I'm Haydia. I currently am unemployed, bored, and poor. Not exactly where I thought I would be at 31. Needing an outlet for my poor brain, I decided to start a blog. Well, Anne decided that I should start a blog. I believe she is my only reader. (Hi Anne)
Some things about me:

• I am a college graduate
• I used to be a writer/editor
• I used to be a nanny
• I used to be a bookseller 
• I have a cat named Maya and am a part-time CCL (crazy cat lady)
• Up until yesterday, I was in a happy, loving relationship
• I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up.

That's it for now. Expect great things to come...