All is fair in love

I haven't written about Steve and me for a while. I have an update on the situation.
We saw each other last weekend and spoke sporadically throughout the week. I think we now understand each other better.
I love him and miss him. He is my everything. My lobster. My other half. But I understand what he needs now. And I will support him and give him the time that he needs because I know that in the end we will be stronger. I'm going to have a little faith.
I went to a memorial for my cousin's grandmother today. I thought of my own grandmothers a lot today. The takeaway message from today was that you should never miss an opportunity to tell the people in your life what they mean to you. It made me miss him immensely and I sent him a text to let him know I was thinking about him. His response was almost instant. And it made me very happy.
Sorry for being cryptic and sappy but it's almost 3 am, I'm feeling all kinds of stuff, and I wanted to tell you all that I'm ok. And that we are ok, and on the path to being awesome. <3

Begging for universal healthcare

Hey everyone. I'm writing to you after three continuous days of agony. I've been mostly in bed since Sunday with massive ouchies of the head. I've tried doubling the dose of Vicodin. Didn't work. Doubling dose of Percoset. Didn't work. Sleeping pills kind of work, except for last night when I was up until 4 am contemplating lobotomies.

I used to be (mostly) in control of my headaches. I would get a really bad one maybe once a month. But the really awful ones that take me completely out of commission for days on end were rare. Now I'm getting them almost daily. The reason? I can't afford the daily medication that I used to take to control it. Why? Because I am unemployed and have no insurance, so a monthly supply of it is over $300, which I don't have, since I'm unemployed. Can you see a pattern yet?

Being without a job sucks, but doubly so if you have a "condition." I looked into getting health insurance as an individual, but the cost was insane for a single person with low income. And because I am a single woman with no kids and am not pregnant, I do not qualify for programs like NJ Family Care or Medicaid. So now I cannot go to my neurologist because I cannot afford it. I get freaked out, thinking that there is something seriously wrong, but I have no way to find out because I CAN'T AFFORD IT. I am 3 years overdue for an MRI to see if there have been any changes to my brain, but there is no way I can get one done now.

There were a couple of nights when the pain was unbearable, and under different circumstances, I would have gone to the ER. But I can't go because that would be one more bill. So I sucked it up and prayed for the pain to end.

There are other medications I take that I can afford because they are included on Target's and Walgreen's prescription plan, which cost around $4 for a month's supply. But these medications are pain killers, which are addictive, have really uncool side effects, and mostly don't work for me. The one I need to actually stop these headaches isn't covered.

I wrote about my interview last week. I didn't mention that after I got home, I was in agony for about a day and a half after. This all SUCKS. My life has to stop because of my uncontrollable brain.

Sorry for today's rant, but I'm frustrated and still in pain, three days later. It's an awful place to be in, terrified of getting sick. And I know I'm not alone in this.

Wardrobe issues

Sorry for my absence, loyal readers. I had another life killer headache. Three days of misery! Fun times.

During my absence, I went into Manhattan for a job interview. Here's what happened.

I prepared all weekend. I laid out my outfit, bought new shoes, packed and repacked my purse, and gathered together my writing samples and resume. I was ready.
Day of the interview, I got dressed, then realized that my shoes were ridiculously uncomfortable, so I tossed them in a bag and put on flats. I wore my ModCloth River Boat Tour dress, with a shrug over it, and my patent leather Blowfish flats.

Then I drove to my parent's house in Elizabeth. My dad offered to drop me off at the train so I parked at their house to save on parking. My dad was adorable. He kept asking me if I was prepared and was I nervous. I was. And I said so. :)

So I'm on the train. And my mind starts working overtime. I get all panicky. "Is my dress appropriate?" "I think it's too short." "It's too wintery." "I look ridiculous." "I can't believe I wore this." "They won't hire me! I have no fashion sense!!!" and so on and so on. By the time I get off in Penn Station, I have convinced myself that I look horrible and need to change.

The sales girls helped me choose.
They were awesome.

So what do I do? I run into H&M. And while in H&M I remember that nothing in H&M fits me right, so I leave and go to Old Navy. I grab a skirt and shirt, pay, and change in the dressing room. I am now wearing this:

I had luckily brought the tote for my shoes, so I stuffed the ModCloth dress in there. I'm aware that I have issues.

So I take the subway to SoHo and arrive about 15 minutes early. I hang out in front of the building for about 5 minutes because I don't want to be too early, then go in. I change my shoes in the elevator.

I have my interview, and I think it went well. I really really hope it went well. It's definitely a position I can see myself doing well in.

I change my shoes again in the elevator.

And then I met up with my cousin and we got Americanized Dosa for lunch.

After Americanized Dosa, we go to UniQlo. I have beef with UniQlo. My cousin goes in and is looking for jeans. He is super hipster skinny, so we go to the women's department. He finds skinny lady jeans and purchases. While he is in the dressing room, I look around. Now, I know that I'm not a skinny girl. The skirt I got at Old Navy was a size large. I'm ok with my curves. I've come to terms with the fact that I will never look right in certain outfits. Some things just aren't meant to be worn by a person shaped like me. That said, I was looking around UniQlo and couldn't find anything over a size medium. There was maybe two size larges in the whole store. And these weren't normal size larges. I think their size large could possibly fit my 7 year old niece. Maybe. And only because she's really skinny. The shelves were packed with extra smalls. Seriously. I saw a girl working there who wasn't a toothpick, and wondered if she was ever able to take advantage of her employee discount. It didn't look like it.

So I left UniQlo feeling a bit down that all my clothes come from Old Navy and Target. But that's ok. The Target dress I'm wearing today cost less than a T-shirt at UniQlo. Win!

I got back to Penn Station and went back to Elizabeth. And was picked up by a very confused father. "Weren't you wearing black when I dropped you off?" "Long story, dad."

Summer reading list

I've been rereading books that I already own and love. It started when I reread the entire Harry Potter series in anticipation of the last movie. (Except book 6. I can't find book 6. If I lent it to any of you, please give it back. It's driving me crazy.) I also watched all of the movies again because I'm a geek that way and I have the time.

After I finished the HP series, I began reading all of Neil Gaiman's books again. He's my favorite author, and the 10th anniversary edition of American Gods (my favorite book) is coming out on June 21. I finished Anansi Boys and Neverwhere, and started Good Omens last night.

Other books on my to be reread list:
Smoke and Mirrors
Fragile Things
Stardust
Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell
A Suitable Boy
World War Z
Sacred Games
Fight Club
Haunted
Stiff
and whatever else I dig up in the boxes that currently house my book collection.

Anyone have book suggestions?

All about eyes

Hi friends! Today I want to talk about eye makeup. I have bought, tried, and discarded TONS of mascaras and eyeliners. Here are my favorites.

Mascara
I currently have three go-to mascaras. One for everyday use, one for special occasions, and one just because I love it.

My everyday mascara is Maybelline Full 'N Soft. I've used this since high school and it's never failed me. I don't like my lashes to be hard and spider leg-like, and this lives up to its name, giving me lots of volume while leaving my lashes soft.

My special occasion mascara is Maybelline Falsies Volum'Express Mascara. It gives me major length and thickness, but I only use it when I really need to add drama because it tends to flake off. It lasts FOREVER, so make sure you remove it thoroughly before going to bed or you will get serious raccoon eyes. It also lasted through tears at a friend's wedding. Bonus points!

My splurge mascara is Urban Decay Big Fatty. It works just like the Full 'N Soft, but it goes on much faster and smoother because of its huge brush. I've tried it in a few colors, but the basic black is the best.

Eyeliner
I've searched and searched for eyeliner that won't smudge under my eyes. After years of testing, I've found a few that work for me.

My current eyeliner is Urban Decay 24/7 Glide-On eye pencil in black. Application is smooth and it lasts all day. I use this on my upper lash line.

For drama, I use Smashbox Jet Set Eyeliner. This eyeliner comes in a pot and is applied with a brush. (I use the MAC ultra thin angled eyeliner brush.) I like how versatile this eyeliner is. It goes on much easier than liquid liners, but you can get the same effect. I used to use MAC Fluidline Eye Liner Gel and loved it, but I like the feel of the Smashbox better. I've also tried the Maybelline Eye Studio Gel eyeliner, which is half the price of the Smashbox eyeliner and comes with its own brush, but it doesn't go on as smooth.

For my lower water line, I use Hashmi Kajal, which I don't recommend for everyone. This is the eyeliner that I don't leave the house without. I usually buy it through eBay or Amazon, since I can't find it in Edison. It's a bit tricky to apply, but it puts color on both the upper and lower inner eyelid once you get the hang of it. It is smudgy, and gives you the smokey eye look with very little effort. I was going to make a how-to video for this, but there isn't enough light in my house. Sorry.